I Couldn't Even Put the Words Together to Pray

Regarding a really bad post-surgery day when John had a lot of seizures:

My brain was so muddled, I couldn’t even put the words together to pray. That was the hardest part. It was like the Tower of Babel in my head. I still knew that God loved me and cared for me, but the communication that I had with him before surgery seemed to be gone. There were three thoughts, that through a lot of effort, I could formulate in my mind and hold on to.

1st I knew that life would be really hard after surgery. I made a plan for the low points that I would continue to remind myself that, “I chose this. It was my decision to stay and that I chose to go through this.”

2nd In church a couple of years ago someone said, “Everyone says that they will die for the gospel, but who is willing to live for the gospel?”

3rd I had decided that I was willing to suffer whatever it took to be there for my kids. I love them so much.

It took a lot of effort but I was able in my mind to repeat over and over again. “I chose this, I want to live for the gospel. And I am doing this for my kids.”